Things I’m Afraid to Tell

This is an old post  that I did a year or two ago. I’m not as anxious now as I was before but there are still some days when I still get anxious. I might have to write an update post about this cuz I think things are getting better now and I’m not as scared as I was before. For now though, I just want to relieve this post I wrote when I was still blogging on Tumblr.

As bloggers, we tend to filter our posts a lot probably because we want more positivity to come out from our blogs that it seems like everything in our life looks perfect as the photos and stories in our blog, but believe me, it’s not.

Someone told me one day that they missed the old me, they missed how I talked about everything in detail. My failures, my fears, every single thing that I do everyday. They missed the raw emotions and honesty my blog used to show. I can’t deny that I miss it too but since my audience began to grow, I felt vulnerable that everyone can actually read my thoughts. It’s scary and it makes me feel fragile. Sometimes I write a very personal entry but then I decided not to post it. I still post personal things but without getting too personal, if that makes sense.

In this post though, I just want to release some few things that you don’t know about me hoping to let everyone know that you’re not alone. No filter.

I THINK I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY// Everyday is a constant battle. Sometimes I can’t get out of the house, sometimes I can’t even leave my bed. It’s tough because I want to make something out of my life but I just can’t seem to do it. It’s frustrating. I tend to overthink a lot and I worry about everything, even the ones that aren’t happening yet. I have to distract myself from my negative thoughts that I tend to forget the things I should really do. I am good at avoiding people and situations that I begin to isolate myself in my own comfort bubble.

I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS// Sometimes people think I hang out with the coolest people but in reality, I only have one friend. We don’t even hang out much anymore cos she’s busy. I do have some other friends from college but I am so bad at keeping in touch with them. Whenever I think of calling them, I usually think that it’s not a great idea, like I’m a distraction from their busy life and maybe they don’t really want to hang out with me. I suck at meeting new people. I get awkward and shy and well, mute.

I’M SCARED FOR MY FUTURE// Some of you have plans on what to do for your future and I only have one goal in life: to be happy. It’s vague but that’s what I want. The frustrating thing is, I don’t know how to achieve that, where to go next, what to do. Sometimes it scares me that everything can go wrong. What if it won’t work out? What if I can’t do it? And the hardest thing apart from letting yourself down is letting your family down.

I CAN’T BE MYSELF WITH OTHER PEOPLE// I am loud, funny, and crazy at home but when I’m with people I barely know, I hide in my own self. There are times when I really want to say what’s on my mind but nothing comes out of my mouth. So people often mistaken me for a snob, stuck up, and boring. But believe me when I say I don’t want people to think that about me. I want to be liked by them and I think they will if only I can be my silly self but the thing is, it might take a while.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS ANYMORE// Sometimes I have this fear where what if no one will like me and I end up being alone? When love comes my way, hurt is often there waiting for me at the end that sometimes I don’t know if it’s really meant to be there or I’m just unlucky.

I GET INSECURE ALL THE TIME// Sometimes I get jealous of people who seems like they have their whole life planned out. I know it’s bad but it makes my self esteem go down. Like, I can’t do what they can do even though I wanted to.

I’M ALWAYS THE GIRL WHOM NOBODY WANTED// I was bullied growing up until the 1st year of high school, I often get picked last on a group project, no one invites me to parties, and they only talk to me if they want something from me. The sad thing about this is, I am used to it.

I FEEL LIKE I’M NOT GOOD IN ANYTHING// You know how I used to take photos everyday? Someone offered me to shoot something but I declined because I don’t feel like I’m the right person for it. I avoid new things and changes cos I think I can’t do it.

It took me hours to write this post and it takes a lot of courage letting out my fears to you. If you ever have any struggle, know that you’re not alone. Writing can help you release those fears. If ever you feel like you need to let something out, you can write about it like what I did with the same title. You can also talk to me.  If you feel like you can’t reveal yourself, ask me on ask.fm. We’ll help each other.

This blog has made me so much stronger somehow and I’m glad you’re in this journey with me.

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25 Comments

  • Reply
    Clarisse
    June 25, 2015 at 10:28 am

    Hey there, you’re v brave for posting this 🙂 I just want you to know that it’s perfectly fine not to know what to do with your life. Everyone’s feeling around in the dark so it’s okay =))))
    Clarisse recently posted…In Another UniverseMy Profile

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 1, 2015 at 8:47 am

      Thanks Clarrise. I’m glad I’m not as scared now as before when I wrote this.

  • Reply
    Jae
    June 25, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    I think I’ve read this before— Now I understand that thing about your Dad. You know, I hope you find the opportunity to bond with him before you eventually settle down. I think every girl deserves a special father-daughter moment before she walks down the aisle. I know I did.
    Jae recently posted…Long-term Goals for 2015: An UpdateMy Profile

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 1, 2015 at 9:26 am

      I hope so too. It’s just when he gets home, we barely have time cuz I’m busy and he’s busy too but I hope next time he’ll come back again. I want him to know me as much as I want to know him.

  • Reply
    Aneth
    June 25, 2015 at 1:26 pm

    Oh dear. I can relate to almost everything. I’m scared too about my future. I know what I want but I’m afraid to fail in achieving it. I wish we both have good self-esteem to face life’s challenges. I know we can do it. Just believe in yourself, Alissa! Aja!
    Aneth recently posted…Travel Diary: Ilocandia Tour pt. 1My Profile

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 1, 2015 at 9:25 am

      Aja! yes, we can do this. At least we know ourselves more on what things make us sad, our weakness, our strengths. That’s the first step.

  • Reply
    Kandice
    June 25, 2015 at 1:45 pm

    it’s ok to feel that way. people experience or feel different ways bad or good. Just know that even though you have these or you thought you have these, there are still good things left in you. Use that instead. Think about that instead, then you will be fine. You’re a very brave girl, and I can relate to you, just letting you know 😀

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 1, 2015 at 9:24 am

      Thanks so much Kandice. These experiences made me stronger though. I’m not as anxious now as before when I wrote this.

  • Reply
    Dani
    June 27, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    Hi Alissa, I don’t think I’ve ever left you a comment but I come around here sometimes. I think you are a brave girl for sharing your struggles. It takes strength to come to terms with these issues and I’m sure it will not be for naught. If it hasn’t happened already, one day a girl going through the same things will come by this page and be comforted knowing that there are people who feel the same and can help her out of it. 🙂

    I wish you the best!
    Dani recently posted…Pinto Art MuseumMy Profile

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 1, 2015 at 9:23 am

      Awww thanks Dani. Hope this post can inspire someone. It’s when blogging gets fulfilling, when someone can relate to your posts.

  • Reply
    Noor Unnahar
    June 28, 2015 at 1:44 am

    It’s REALLY too hard to open up on internet and tell how you feel. You’re not alone in this, Alissa.

  • Reply
    Raisa
    June 28, 2015 at 10:08 am

    For me, I’m not comfortable revealing so much of myself online. I’m already pretty closed up in real life. Only a few of my very good friends know what’s up, and I’m very private. I think that’s okay though.
    Raisa recently posted…What I Wore: GreenMy Profile

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 1, 2015 at 9:22 am

      That is okay too. I reveal myself more on TUmblr when my followers don’t really know me. It’s freeing being able to be honest but I leave things that are more personal just to myself.

  • Reply
    Jhanz
    June 28, 2015 at 11:53 pm

    I think I’ve read this before, and I’d just like to tell you that you are really brave on showing your vulnerability, and that’s okay. 🙂

    I know there are a lot of things that we’re afraid to tell (afraid to do even!) but don’t ever lose hope. You’ll make it through! *Sending you cyber hugs from Manila!
    Jhanz recently posted…Under the Sea: Snorkeling at Moalboal, CebuMy Profile

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 1, 2015 at 9:18 am

      Thank you Jhanz! Sending hugs back 🙂 And yeah, I recycled this post haha.

  • Reply
    Nele
    June 30, 2015 at 12:24 am

    You’re so brave for putting this out there! I see a lot of myself in these things and I’m even too scared to write it down in my own journal. Even though I am the only one who reads it, it becomes so much more real when it’s down on the pages. Maybe I should try it again because I’m sure it really helped you facing it by writing about it. Good job <3

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 1, 2015 at 9:15 am

      It did help. 🙂 This was written a year or two ago and I’m glad to see myself changing for the better. I don’t want to be in this state again. So glad I managed to pick myself up

  • Reply
    Chel
    June 30, 2015 at 7:20 pm

    Alissa, this post feels home. I can relate in so many points and I wish we’re friends in person so we can help each other get over it. Hugs x

    Chel x
    http://heyitschel.com/
    Chel recently posted…Life Lately v.5My Profile

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 1, 2015 at 9:14 am

      I wish so too/ 🙂 well, anyway this was an old post. I’m so much happier and less anxious now.

  • Reply
    Rej
    July 1, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    Hi Alissa!

    You’re so brave for posting all of this! I have difficulty in being specific as possible about the things that I am afraid to actually say that’s why I tend to write obscure prose pieces when my emotions overflow. I salute you for the bravery, and pray that you overcome all the fears and be happier in life.

    x, Rej
    Rej recently posted…How to Really Know Someone // 01My Profile

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 5, 2015 at 1:11 pm

      Thanks so much Rej. I have already overcame most of it.

  • Reply
    Helga Weber
    July 2, 2015 at 10:42 am

    I think you’re totally normal! These are things that a lot of people think/go through/feel, we all just have different ways of dealing. 🙂 Maybe you’re a late bloomer lang but I believe things will eventually fall into place but ya gotta get things going for them to. 🙂
    Helga Weber recently posted…5 Weeks Later: Safeguard Derma Sense Facial CleanserMy Profile

    • Reply
      Alissa
      July 3, 2015 at 3:25 pm

      Thank you. Yeah, I think all of us go through something din. I’m glad I’m not that scared or sad anymore.

  • Reply
    Jessica
    October 3, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    Wow. I’m basically like everything you mentioned except for the last one. My dad is my best friend. My best person in the world. I think those are normal. I’m an introverted person and I feel so much anxieties people around me don’t understand. When I’m depressed people say go out and hangout with people… I was like, “How??” >_< At first I thought only outgoing people do personal blogs. I'm glad to meet someone who's having the same anxieties. We're not alone :))
    Jessica recently posted…More Realizations and Reflections After My BreakupMy Profile

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