This is an old post that I did a year or two ago. I’m not as anxious now as I was before but there are still some days when I still get anxious. I might have to write an update post about this cuz I think things are getting better now and I’m not as scared as I was before. For now though, I just want to relieve this post I wrote when I was still blogging on Tumblr.
As bloggers, we tend to filter our posts a lot probably because we want more positivity to come out from our blogs that it seems like everything in our life looks perfect as the photos and stories in our blog, but believe me, it’s not.
Someone told me one day that they missed the old me, they missed how I talked about everything in detail. My failures, my fears, every single thing that I do everyday. They missed the raw emotions and honesty my blog used to show. I can’t deny that I miss it too but since my audience began to grow, I felt vulnerable that everyone can actually read my thoughts. It’s scary and it makes me feel fragile. Sometimes I write a very personal entry but then I decided not to post it. I still post personal things but without getting too personal, if that makes sense.
In this post though, I just want to release some few things that you don’t know about me hoping to let everyone know that you’re not alone. No filter.
I THINK I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY// Everyday is a constant battle. Sometimes I can’t get out of the house, sometimes I can’t even leave my bed. It’s tough because I want to make something out of my life but I just can’t seem to do it. It’s frustrating. I tend to overthink a lot and I worry about everything, even the ones that aren’t happening yet. I have to distract myself from my negative thoughts that I tend to forget the things I should really do. I am good at avoiding people and situations that I begin to isolate myself in my own comfort bubble.
I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS// Sometimes people think I hang out with the coolest people but in reality, I only have one friend. We don’t even hang out much anymore cos she’s busy. I do have some other friends from college but I am so bad at keeping in touch with them. Whenever I think of calling them, I usually think that it’s not a great idea, like I’m a distraction from their busy life and maybe they don’t really want to hang out with me. I suck at meeting new people. I get awkward and shy and well, mute.
I’M SCARED FOR MY FUTURE// Some of you have plans on what to do for your future and I only have one goal in life: to be happy. It’s vague but that’s what I want. The frustrating thing is, I don’t know how to achieve that, where to go next, what to do. Sometimes it scares me that everything can go wrong. What if it won’t work out? What if I can’t do it? And the hardest thing apart from letting yourself down is letting your family down.
I CAN’T BE MYSELF WITH OTHER PEOPLE// I am loud, funny, and crazy at home but when I’m with people I barely know, I hide in my own self. There are times when I really want to say what’s on my mind but nothing comes out of my mouth. So people often mistaken me for a snob, stuck up, and boring. But believe me when I say I don’t want people to think that about me. I want to be liked by them and I think they will if only I can be my silly self but the thing is, it might take a while.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS ANYMORE// Sometimes I have this fear where what if no one will like me and I end up being alone? When love comes my way, hurt is often there waiting for me at the end that sometimes I don’t know if it’s really meant to be there or I’m just unlucky.
I GET INSECURE ALL THE TIME// Sometimes I get jealous of people who seems like they have their whole life planned out. I know it’s bad but it makes my self esteem go down. Like, I can’t do what they can do even though I wanted to.
I’M ALWAYS THE GIRL WHOM NOBODY WANTED// I was bullied growing up until the 1st year of high school, I often get picked last on a group project, no one invites me to parties, and they only talk to me if they want something from me. The sad thing about this is, I am used to it.
I FEEL LIKE I’M NOT GOOD IN ANYTHING// You know how I used to take photos everyday? Someone offered me to shoot something but I declined because I don’t feel like I’m the right person for it. I avoid new things and changes cos I think I can’t do it.
It took me hours to write this post and it takes a lot of courage letting out my fears to you. If you ever have any struggle, know that you’re not alone. Writing can help you release those fears. If ever you feel like you need to let something out, you can write about it like what I did with the same title. You can also talk to me. If you feel like you can’t reveal yourself, ask me on ask.fm. We’ll help each other.
This blog has made me so much stronger somehow and I’m glad you’re in this journey with me.